But With God...

Remembrance of who I was.

Trust in who I’m becoming...

There was a version of me who couldn’t imagine a life where I am healed, free, loved, and blossoming. I was drowning — head under water, gasping for air. I was in a dark room without even a flicker of light to save me… or so I thought.

The pain I endured, the trauma I encountered, the truths I was forced to face—it was too much. I was so young and had no system to process it all. So I internalized it. Buried it so deep that I became numb. Joy disappeared. Sadness took over, and I didn’t even understand why. I was utterly broken.

I wanted someone to see the real me, the version of myself that only came out when I was alone. But that would’ve required someone to break through the massive walls I built to protect myself. It would’ve required them to decode the smile that said, “I’m doing great.” The one I practiced. The one I perfected.

I had people fooled. Even myself.

I became an empty vessel — moving, choosing, living in ways that reflected my brokenness. And I blamed God. How could a God who is all-knowing, loving, and merciful allow me to endure so much pain?

So I rejected Him. Because I needed it to make sense. And I couldn’t find answers that satisfied me.

Truthfully, I wasn’t even looking in the place where truth could be found. I was searching in the world… a place that only led me further into destruction.

Then one day, God met me in the darkest place I had ever been.

When I felt like I couldn’t endure it any longer… when I considered taking my life… I had this urge to open the Bible, a book I once claimed held no authority. But in that moment, a spark of light broke through the darkest clouds.

Everything changed that day.

But not in the way you might think.

I didn’t wake up the next morning completely healed from years of wounds and scars. But I did wake up with something new, a sense of purpose. A hope that healing was possible.

What I didn’t know… was how painful that journey would be.

Healing required me to dig deep. To pull up thorns that had taken root. To unlock doors I had kept sealed shut for years. To face everything I tried so hard to forget.

And that… took time.

Years.

I thank God for everything. He never gave me more than I could handle, even when it felt like He did. I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Because in my lowest lows… I experienced my greatest breakthroughs.

Those were the moments when I had no other choice but to recognize the glory of God and lean on Him for strength.

Now, as I stand healed, free, and fully myself, I can look back and see that even when I thought God had betrayed me… He was still extending His love in countless ways.

I was just too angry to receive it.

Now I understand, there is strength in acknowledging God for who He is. And I trust Him fully.

I have faith in the woman I’m becoming. Because no matter what she faces, good or bad, she chooses to seek God through it all.

And that… is where her strength will always be.

-Becoming Faithfully Her